The Spoons That Are My Ears!

It was twenty years ago today that Colonel Bogey taught the brand to bray...

No, wait a minute, those aren't the right lyrics!

Nonetheless it was exactly twenty years ago today, on Thursday 6th February 1992, that I received my first short-story acceptance. As can be seen from this photo, I have kept the relevant letter.

The story in question was 'An Ideal Vocation' and it wasn't an especially good story (but it was inspired by some of Kafka's extremely good microfictions such as these) and the book it appeared in wasn't very good either, a ragtag anthology of brief tales that were badly typeset, but this acceptance did give me a confidence boost that started off a deluge of submissions and acceptances, and so here I am now, 21 books and 628 stories later...

At the time of this first acceptance I had been writing fiction for eleven years but hadn't sent much work to any potential publishers. I was too shy or maybe I just didn't know of any available markets. In fact I never even showed any of my stories to friends or family and I tended the feel the activity of writing stories ought to be kept a secret.

I did try mailing a hastily written short-story called 'The Forever Man' to a magazine when I was 17. The process actually felt embarrassing and when it was rejected a few days later I literally cringed. I also mailed a story called 'Tangents' to a short-story competition two years later. Obviously it didn't win; it was a hopeless and pallid attempt to imitate Vladimir Nabokov, my favourite writer at the time. And, uncharacteristic as it may seem, I mailed a story called 'Secrets' to the journal of the British Fantasy Society, but I never heard back from them; that might have been in 1986 or 1987, I don't really remember. In fact I seem to vaguely recall that I was briefly a member of the BFS back then, rather ironic considering how I have enjoyed mocking literary societies since...

I can't recall what impelled me to submit 'An Ideal Vocation' to the editor of the New Fiction anthology at the end of January 1992, but I'm glad I did; not because of the immediate result but because of the long-term realisation of one of my oldest ambitions, i.e. I became a real author.

Hmm, this is a little bit more complicated than I had anticipated. Because I uploaded Rhysop's Fables to Amazon first and naively opted to enroll the book in something called 'KDP Select' (which allows readers to borrow it library-style) I find that I'm legally obliged not to digitally publish the same book anywhere else. So I've had to unpublish Rhysop's Fables from Smashwords, alter the contents and upload it as a different book.

So instead of announcing that Rhysop's Fables is now ready for download from Smashwords I must announce that Fables of Rhysop is available instead! The contents of this book are different from the Amazon version. The 150 fables (which is what the book is really about) are exactly the same; but the extra short stories aren't. I think that's all above board.

The offer concerning my earlier ebook, The Tellmenow Isitsöornot, still stands. If you buy that ebook for $4.99 you'll get Fables of Rhysop for free; just go to the end of the bigger book to find the relevant code that enables a free download of the smaller book. Alternatively you might just want the fables for $2.99. If that's the case then you can get it from Smashwords right here. Hope you enjoy!

Flash in the Pantheon, my collection of exactly 101 flash fictions, is available on Amazon now.

It has been available on Smashwords since the end of last October, but I'm aware that some readers prefer to buy ebooks from Amazon. Tony Lovell has redone his excellent cover for the book and I have adjusted the contents slightly (but not enough to justify you buying this edition if you already have the other one).

The price is £1.96, which works out at under 2 pence per story, but if you live in the USA that's $3.08 including VAT. Click on this link to buy it from the British Kindle store; and this link to buy it from the American. Or don't click on either link to not buy it! Thanks!

I've just put up the second edition of The Tellmenow Isitsöornot ebook at Smashwords. I've removed seven stories that also appeared in one of my other ebooks (Flash in the Pantheon) and replaced them with seven stories that haven't been published anywhere before. One of these new stories was written in 1993 but left in a box for 18 years before I rediscovered it.

I've also included a code at the very end of this second edition that will allow you to obtain Rhysop's Fables (which is also now available at Smashwords) for free... Both books are still 'pending approval' by the Smashwords editors, therefore I'm reluctant to plug them properly until they are passed. I'm fairly sure I made no formatting errors in either text, but you never know. Any weird formatting, please let me know and I'll fix it pronto.

I've been informed that a reader who purchases any edition of an ebook from Smashwords can download any subsequent edition without paying anything. So if you have already bought The Tellmenow Isitsöornot, you should be able to download the second edition for free; and this in turn will give you access to Rhysop's Fables for free. If you try this but have problems getting the second edition for free, please let me know. Email me at: rhysaurus@yahoo.co.uk

Also feel free to email me if you've already bought The Tellmenow Isitsöornot from Smashwords but bought Rhysop's Fables from Amazon. I'll arrange some way of letting you have a future ebook (don't know which one yet) for free. It's not right that readers should miss out! That's the golden rule that all authors should heed: TREAT YOUR READERS PROPERLY!!

Fables usually feature animals and Rhysop's Fables is no exception to this rule. That explains the miniature painting of the owl (title: 'The Moonwatcher') that I used to illustrate this blog post. It's a creation of Adele Whittle and if you like it, you can view more of her artworks on her new blogsite. Thanks!

Did you buy my ebook The Tellmenow Isitsöornot? If you did (or are planning to) then it gives me pleasure to announce that you'll get Rhysop's Fables for free when it appears on Smashwords a week from now...

Sometime in the next few days I'm going to upload a second edition of The Tellmenow Isitsöornot and at the very end of it I'm going to include a code that you can use to download Rhysop's Fables for free. If you've already bought the first edition of The Tellmenow Isitsöornot it won't cost you anything to download the second edition. Thanks!

A few days ago I had to "unfriend" a contact on Facebook after I learned that he had been an active member of the National Front (a far-right racist organisation) back in the 1980s. More than just an active member, in fact: he stood for election on at least one occasion. I'm not someone who makes a big show of being political; some might even call me 'apolitical'. True, I'm not particularly interested in party politics, but when it comes to questions of morality that's a different matter, and I just don't want a racist as a contact.

There had been mutterings about this individual for quite a while. I thought it best to directly email the person and ask him to confirm or deny the rumours. That seemed easier than trying to 'work out' his affiliations by tracking any comments he might have left on obscure websites (I just don't have time to do that). He replied that yes, he had been a member of the National Front in his youth but had resigned thirty years ago and had since changed his views. Now, as far as I'm concerned, we are all allowed to make mistakes and people who have "seen the light" and changed their views are often more rigorously ethical in subsequent life than people who always had the nice views from the beginning.

But... it seems that actually he hasn't changed his views at all; and various people have sent me various pieces of evidence that seem to indicate rather strongly that this individual still holds his old views. If this is indeed the case, and it's looking increasingly likely that it is, then he's a silly sod and really there's not much hope for him. But what do I do about it now?

Well, I guess I can clarify my own political views a little. I have done this before but maybe any statement of my politics needs regular refreshing. I don't like political extremism of any kind. I've travelled through enough countries that were formerly communist to see the damage that communism has done to populations and the environment. I'm anti-communist and frankly I can't stand Marx, Engels, Trotsky and all those other cream-whipping soulless bullies. I've said this many times previously. Has it been taken the wrong way, I wonder? Have some people assumed that if I despise the left-wing I must automatically be right-wing?

I'm not. Let's get that cleared up right away. I despise the right-wing with equal force. In fact, I find them even more sordid than the left-wing. The stated aims of traditional right-wing politics -- small government, low taxes, private sector control -- are valid political objectives. But these days, the right-wing is inextricably bound up with xenophobia and outright racism. These racist right-wingers like to portray themselves as tough but they are terrified of immigrants! That's not tough, that's sissy! They fail by their own proclaimed standards!

But the truth, of course, is that modern right-wingers aren't really right-wing. They are totalitarian supremacists. Like the Nazis did, they want maximum economic control and political control at the same time; they are a fusion of the worst from the left and right. In essence they are statists, advocates of a strong, ultimately controlling state. People often forget that Fascism and Naziism aren't just right-wing ideologies but contain many left-wing control elements too...

My own political ideals? I reject the strong state desired by the left-wing but I also reject the corporate, private-sector control desired by the right. I'm a Green Libertarian. I want minimal state interference and minimal corporate influence. I want maximum freedom for all individuals provided it doesn't infringe the freedoms of any other individual and doesn't harm the environment. Call me a misty-eyed transcendentalist if you like. Small private businesses, cottage industries, arts and crafts: that's the world I'd prefer. I don't want an utterly pastoral planet, though. I still believe deeply in robots and spaceships.

Thanks to everyone who has bought one of my self-issued ebooks over the past four months! A handful of stories appear in more than one ebook (for example 'Goblin Sunrise', 'The Porcelain Pig', 'Sir Cheapskate', etc) . This isn't an oversight but due to the fact that some stories work in different ways in different contexts.

However, because of these occasional overlaps, people who buy every one of my ebooks are going to end up paying for certain stories twice; so my next ebook will have no overlaps and I'll make sure it's free to readers who have bought at least one of my other ebooks. I'll set up a code for you to get it for free. It'll be out in February but I don't yet know what it'll be called, maybe The Lunar Tickle.

My latest ebook is now available from Smashwords. Tales of distant places, other times and strange beings, somewhere under the rainbow way down low... Incompetent explorers; knights, goddesses and viscounts that don't exist (but who are stuck in trees anyway); castles that give birth to baby fortresses; anti-matter monsters that meet and greet their twins; robots in lingerie; and a scientist who believes that all the energy in the universe is draining away through a hole in spacetime and who has a cunning plan to plug the leak!

For the price of $2.99 (that's £1.95 in British money) this cornucopia of delights can be yours, provided you have electronic reading apparatus. If you don't, you'll just have to imagine the stories instead! Here's the relevant link: Facets of Faraway. Includes the only two stories I've written in 2012 so far, and plenty of unpublished or hard to find stuff from previous years. If you buy this ebook, thanks! If you don't, no worries!

This is my fifth self-published ebook. I plan to release one every month until there are 12 in existence. The 12th will be a selection from the other 11. (Just in case you're curious about my intentions in this regard...)

I have just resumed the writing of my novel The Young Dictator. I wrote the first chapter in the summer of 2010 and now I've started chapter two. The first chapter, 'Jenny Khan', tells the story of what happens when a 12 year old girl becomes the absolute ruler of Britain; the second chapter, 'Genghis Kan't', will chart her progress into outer space as she attempts to conquer the galaxy... The subsequent chapters will get wilder and more improbable as they go along. There will be six chapters in total. It's going to be a satire against power, but an irresponsible one.

Irresponsibility gets a bad press. An irresponsible action can be just as much a gesture of defiance against authority as any rational and controlled opposition. Furthermore, too many satires are moral and that's why I intend to make mine an amoral one. I also want to attempt the sort of thing Roald Dahl was a master at: entertaining fiction for young people that has not only a disturbing undercurrent but authentic ambiguity in its apparent 'messages'. There are too many wise people, sages and gurus with the 'answers' to life. There are no answers to life. Why the hell should there be?

As promised back in October, here's another medley of stories featuring my character Thornton Excelsior, who is a sort of galactic whirpool of absurdist whimsy, but the sort of whirpool that blows as well as sucks...

'The Dooms and Dimensions of Thornton Excelsior' is a fix-up novelette that includes the discovery of the lost arms of the Venus de Milo and the consequences thereof; the startling occasion when Thornton realised he was God; the unhappy time he turned himself into a windmill; his exploits as an official censor with control over the substance of Reality itself; his experiences as a multi-jointed citizen of the Duchy of Klipklop...

To download this novelette for free, please click on this link: Theaker's Quarterly Fiction #39. Hope you enjoy!

Happy New Year folks! And what better way to celebrate the start of 2012 than with the official launch of THE PLATINUM ASS, a blogsite that will eventually collect all my online stories into a single location? Well, I'm sure there are trillions of better ways, but hey...

I intend to post exactly 100 of my stories on this site: at the moment 10 are available. We live in an age where creative people are increasingly compelled to provide free samples of their work and few of us can afford to exempt ourselves from this trend. The stories to be found at THE PLATINUM ASS will range my entire career; most are uncollected and were previously published in obscure small-press magazines but occasionally I'll include something from one of my books. I hope you enjoy!

Incidentally, the name THE PLATINUM ASS was inspired by the brilliant novel, The Golden Ass, written by Lucius Apuleius, one of the greatest proto-absurdist fantasy writers of Classical times...

Hello! It's me! How are you? Did you have a nice Christmas?

Well, it seems that it's that time again: when I look back on my personal highlights of the year. I'll try to keep this review a bit shorter than some previous annual reviews. No I won't.

By the way, this photo was taken at the beginning of October: we had an Indian Summer in Wales. This occurrence was definitely one of the highlights!

I got fit in 2011; fitter than I already was, I mean. I've always been a hiker and mountain walker. But now I think I've earned to right to call myself a cyclist and runner too. Nothing spectacular, but regular 50K bike rides and 5K runs became a normal part of my life.

It was a great year for my writing career, one of the best in my life so far. I had three new books published. Here they are: The Brothel Creeper, Sangria in the Sangraal and Link Arms With Toads!




I'm especially pleased with The Brothel Creeper. In fact I regard it as my strongest collection to date. All three volumes are still available for purchase, but reviews are thin on the ground, I'm sorry to say: I don't get reviewed much. I don't get profiled or interviewed much either. Nor do I get invited to do many readings. Ah well! But I have a loyal set of readers: and that's what really counts. And to them I say THANKS!

So much for new books... Two of my books from previous years went into second editions in 2012. The first edition of my satirical novel Mister Gum was badly designed, with an unreadable font; the second edition was much better. And after a wait of 16 years, my first collection Worming the Harpy returned with all the missing passages reinserted. That was satisfying, I can tell you!

In 2011 I wrote exactly 52 stories, averaging one a week (though they weren't written like that), totalling 175,000 words of fiction, making 2011 my third most productive year. I completed two novels: Captains Outrageous (though I might have to change the title, as it seems some other author has already used this title) and The Pilgrim's Regress (which I have a particular fondness for).

I sold The Truth Spinner and The Abnormalities of Stringent Strange to reputable publishers and with luck both will be issued in 2012.

It was also the year when I discovered the power of ebooks. 40K issued three of my ebooks (in English and Italian); and Gloomy Seahorse Press (a fancy name for myself) issued four more.

Righto! That's enough about me! What about other writers? I read 36 works of fiction (novels and collections of short stories) in 2011. Every year I discover at least one excellent author previously unknown to me. This year it was William Saroyan. I read My Name is Aram, a collection of linked stories, and was hugely impressed. This work is realistic and tells of poor Armenian immigrants in California but Saroyan's style is upbeat and colourful, never depressing; and although his treatment of even the most sombre themes is unashamedly sentimental, it isn't maudlin. His language is pared down and simple but his rhythms are delightful and infused with a warm humour. The writer he most closely resembles to my mind is Ray Bradbury, but without the fantastical element.

My other favourite books of 2011 were Zazie in the Metro by Raymond Queneau; A Country Doctor's Notebook by Mikhail Bulgakov; The Adventures of Mr Thake by Beachcomber and City by Clifford D. Simak... But my 'book of the year' was undoubtedly Triton by Samuel R. Delany. Because of the appendix on metalogic, Triton looks like a 'difficult' novel, but that's an illusion. It's a beautifully written, complex but totally accessible and engaging work. The main character, Bron Helstrom, is simultaneously likeable and infuriating, perceptive and unaware, an authentic personality on the page. The background events of his life in an 'ambiguous heteropotia' include a devastating war between the inner worlds and the outer satellites that is presented slightly obliquely and very convincingly. And the society in which Bron has chosen to make his home is constructed with brilliant imagination and attention to detail. It's a sort of utopia-of-choice, not quite the perfect society but hugely preferrable to our own. Delany is a thought-provoking writer but there is a lot of positive emotional energy in his work too.

I ought to say something about the appalling political condition that Britain seems to be in at the moment; but that really deserves a blog post all to itself.

So that's it until 2012... Have a great New Year! Bye from me!

I'm not much of a film buff; I don't know why. I'm a book reader instead. I prefer the cinema inside my head to an outer screen. But I do watch films on a fairly regular basis: averaging one a week (which for some people is doubtless an absurdly frugal amount). Two of my friends have a private cinema at home, but although I appreciate the excellence of such a set-up I'm not sure I would ever want or need one of those myself. Anyway, the point of this blog post is to select the six best films I saw this year. Bear in mind that this isn't my list of the six best films that were released in 2011; I'm far too behind the times for that. No, it's a list merely of the six best films I saw in 2011, and some of them are a few years old already.

So now: in reverse order, they are as follows:

(6) Moon... I watched this in the private cinema mentioned above. A deeply disturbing and yet ultimately uplifting film about the manipulative ethics (or unethics) of a major corporation that supplies power to Earth's teeming billions by harvesting moon rocks and converting them into energy via fusion reactions. The character played by Sam Rockwell (who provides a masterclass in acting technique, carrying the entire film on his multiple sets of shoulders) learns the hard way that his employers don't value human life very much for its own sake; they care only that he does his job as a cog in the machine efficiently. And when his time is up they are happy to destroy him and replace him with... himself. Saying more than this would spoil the plot. It's an amazing story, expressed with conviction, delicacy and strong vision.

(5) The Way... A collaboration between Martin Sheen and his real life son Emilio Estevez, both of whom were seminal cinema figures for me in the 1980s. It was good to see them back and working together. This film is the story of a man who embarks on the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage on a sudden whim (but not a superficial whim; it's actually a profound decision). In a sense he is completing the journey that his son dies attempting to do. To say that the pilgrimage is a catharsis would be a little too glib; it's both more and less than that. The end message isn't maudlin, there is no attempt to display a 'cure for grief'; rather the climax demonstrates simply that our reserves of strength to face the ongoing tribulations of life can be recharged.

(4) The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec... A Luc Besson film. A French travel writer at the beginning of the 20th Century embarks on an expedition to Egypt to resurrect the mummy of an ancient doctor who might be able to cure her sister (who fell on a hatpin while playing tennis). But while she is away from Paris, the egg of a pterodactyl hatches in a museum thanks to the telepathic experiments of an eccentric professor and only Adèle has the resources to deal with it... These two farfetched plots are interwoven in a thoroughly contrived but clever and engaging manner. Louise Bourgoin, who plays Adèle, is exceptional and surely one of the best-looking actresses in the world. This film is flawed in many ways, but it's original, inventive, unpredictable and different, and that counts for a lot.

(3) Tears for Sale... A Serbian fantasy film that is rich, lush, frantic, clever, sinister and bizarre. In post war Serbia there is a shortage of men; some villages are populated entirely by women. Two sisters, one feisty, the other demure, (played by Sonja Kolačarić and Katarina Radivojević) set off on a quest to find some men. The tone and style of this film often reminds me of the novels of Milorad Pavić, one of my favourite writers, in the sense that the magical realist elements are pushed to an extreme, so far in fact that the absurd and bizarre becomes the normal background and the ordinary life elements become the intrusion. The film looks wonderful and the main conceit works beautifully. Some tedious critics accused it of being self-indulgent. It's not, but even if it is, so what? It's great cinema.

(2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes... We went to see this at the earliest showing on a normal weekday and had the cinema entirely to ourselves. Vastly superior to the 2001 remake of the 1968 classic, the excellence of the acting, credibility of the plot, importance of the concept (and the skill with which it is developed) have evolved to the point where the story even surpasses Pierre Boulle's original satire. The message of this film is a crucial one at this stage in the history of the human race: we must be more compassionate to animals; if we don't start respecting every lifeform properly, our doom will not only be assured but utterly justified. The film is emotionally engaging, intellectually stimulating and philosophically valid. An astounding piece of work.

(1)The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus... The dirctor Terry Gilliam is one of my heroes. In my more deluded moments I sometimes daydream that he might adapt one of my own books to the big screen. Parnassus is his best film yet; and considering that this is the director who gave us Brazil, Time Bandits and Baron Munchausen, I don't say that lightly! Christopher Plummer as Doctor Parnassus is perfectly cast (has there ever been a harder working actor than Plummer?) and the ingenious tactic by which Gilliam sidesteps the real-life death of Heath Ledger (by using three other actors, Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell to fill in for him) enhances the theme of transformation and growth. Tom Waits is also perfect as the Devil, so bored with his own power that he prefers to lose in wagers with mortals. There is a huge amount of ideas bouncing around in this film, colliding with each other, merging, breaking apart. It's a masterpiece; one of the great visual experiences of my film-watching life.

Courtesy of Gloomy Seahorse Press, I'm pleased to announce that my latest ebook is now available from Smashwords.

With a delightful cover by Kendal Obermeyer, The World Idiot and Other Absurdlings features 15 short-stories selected from the past two decades of my writing career, including the award-nominated 'Rediffusion'.

It costs $2.99 and can be purchased directly here.

The more observant amongst you may have noticed that I'm self-publishing a lot of ebooks lately. This is my fourth so far (and the last of this year). I plan to release one Gloomy Seahorse Press ebook every month for a year; so there will be 12 in total. My hope is to use any profits I receive from these ebooks to pay for an airfare out of Britain; the more ebooks I sell, the higher the profits, and hence the further I'll be able to travel! At the moment I've only earned enough to take me to France or Spain.

Alternative title for this photo: All God's Vegetables Beware!


I don't believe any further explanation is required at this time...

Courtesy of Ray Russell, the guiding light of Tartarus Press, my very first book, Worming the Harpy, is now available as an ebook.

Suitable for the Kindle and other such gadgets, it can be purchased from a variety of places including the British Amazon; the American Amazon (which includes a 'Come Look Inside' feature because they are more advanced than we are); the German Amazon; the French Amazon; the Italian Amazon and the Spanish Amazon. About the only place it's not available is in the Brazilian Amazon, which is a forest, not a bookstore. However, just because it's available at all those different Amazons doesn't mean it's available in all those languages. Not yet anyway.

Now let's consider the matter of Ray Russell himself. What can we say about him? Well, for a start, Ray Russell is not only the guiding light of Tartarus Press. He is not only himself: a Ray Russell. He's also a Ray of Sunshine. In fact he's the Rey of Sunshine: the Sun-King himself! Here is pictorial evidence of my assertion! And yet, even as we fall to our knees, we should "...remember how much black there is in the sun." (Jean-Paul Sartre).

Ladies, Gentlemen and Sun-Worshippers! I give you: Worming the Electronic Harpy!

A big parcel of books turned up at my house yesterday afternoon. It had come all the way from Romania. When I cut the parcel open (with a duelling dagger bought in Toledo seven years ago) I was overjoyed to find the box packed with copies of my latest book, Sangria in the Sangraal! All the books produced by Ex Occidente are exquisite, authentic collectors' items, and this one is no exception. In fact it's utterly gorgeous!


It seems a little uncouth for an author to praise certain of his books more than others; a good father regards all his children as special. But I can't resist declaring this volume to be extra special to me. I truly believe that it has magic about it, I can't quite define how or why. Anyway, I probably should leave such judgments to others. I'll just say that the fact it's now in print has helped make the cold wet Welsh winter a lot more bearable to me.

I ought to point out that this book was originally entitled Tucked Away in Aragon and it was inspired by a visit I made in 2007 to the little town of Albarracín. It features 10 linked stories and is a complete epic in miniature, covering 1000 years of Spanish history. Influences on this book include Potocki, Alarcón, Dunsany and (of course) Calvino. I would like to thank Dan Ghetu (who runs Ex Occidente) not only for the superb aesthetic values of the finished book but also for having the courage to issue something a little different to his usual productions.


Most of the authors published by Ex Occidente write books that are dark; books that are full of mysteries, subtleties of mood and atmosphere, and a love of the metaphysical and weird. But generally the subtleties and effects are dark. True, the darkness may be speckled with gleams like faint stars, but the backdrop is mostly dark. Sangria in the Sangraal isn't like that. It's mostly light and speckled with only a few negative stars, like black holes in heaven. There is comedy and acute absurdism and unashamed anthropomorphism. There are sentient clouds and anachronisms and postmodern ironies à la Barthelme.

Anyway, the book can be ordered directly from Ex Occidente here. or from Fantastic Literature Limited here. I think that copies will also be available soon from Realms of Fantasy Books and Ziesing Books.

My latest ebook is now available from Smashwords for the un-astronomical sum of $0.99. That's just ninety-nine terrestrial cents for a celestial novelette! Or if you happen to British like me, it's 66 pence in total! Click on this link for the opportunity to buy it, if that's what you'd like to do...

The idea for this novelette came to me two years ago after I read something Umberto Eco said in his essay 'How I Write' (from his collection On Literature). He remarked that when he was very young he began a series of stories called 'Ancient Stories of the Young Universe' in which the planets of our solar system were sentient beings. Venus falls in love with the sun, for example, and throws herself into his fiery arms with fatal consequences. It seems a shame to me that Eco never finished or published those stories and so I decided to take up the conceit and run with it (not that I'm comparing myself to Eco!!!). And so:

Planets, moons, stars and galaxies have feelings too! When Pluto is officially demoted from a true planet to a dwarf planet; when the poor moon is infested with clowns; when Betelgeux falls in love with other red giants; when the Milky Way wants to make friends... that's the time they most need our sympathy and support.

The superb cover was created by an artist named Gonzalo Canedo. Any publishers out there looking for new artists? Look no further...

Several years ago the genius writer Michael Bishop postmodernly, jestingly and excellently wrote my 612th story for me, to save me the trouble. The result was a piece that formed the introduction to my novella The Crystal Cosmos and was entitled 'The Orchid Forest: a Metafactual Narrative Introduction to THE CRYSTAL COSMOS by Rhys Hughes, by Miguel Obispo'. The number 612 was plucked at random, of course. Back then it seemed that I would never actually reach that number myself, or anywhere near it...

But now I have. I've just finished my 612th story. I didn't really want to skip from 611 to 613, so I made sure that the 612th is about Michael Bishop, the same way his story is about me. In his tale explorers set off in search of me; so in my tale explorers set off in search of him. His story was 4467 words long; as a mark of respect I made my story 4466 words long, one less. Some people think that symmetries of this kind aren't important. Maybe not, but I enjoy them anyway. My story is called 'Transmigrating the Bishop' and now I just need to find a place to send it. Incidentally, I recommend every single one of Mr Bishop's books; No Enemy But Time is merely a very good place to start.

Until I find a proper print outlet for my story I thought it might be nice to put it online. Click on this link to read it...

It seems that Sangria in the Sangraal now exists as a real book (rather than just a dream or hope) and is ready to ship! I haven't received my own copies yet, but I should have them soon. As this is still the season for special offers, the publisher is prepared to include one of the other 'Passport Levant' volumes for free with every copy of Sangria bought in the next two weeks, an offer that depends on the availability of the selected title, of course. You might want to take a look at the Ex Occidente catalogue to check what 'Passport Levant' books are still in print. If you have already ordered my book and think it's unfair that other people are getting a bonus volume, email me and we'll sort something out.

Other book news: I have just signed a contract which means that Castor Jenkins is coming back next year! The Truth Spinner: the complete adventures of Castor Jenkins will cover the rascal's entire career, 18 stories in total. After the relative failure of The Postmodern Mariner (where he first appeared) I'm glad this teller of very tall tales is going to be given a second and better chance... Oh yes, and I hopefully have some exciting news about The Abnormalities of Stringent Strange too. I'll report here when the details are finalised.